a semi-regular column of Truths, Half Truths, and Mostly Truths by Semi.
Volume 8, Issue 479 · Circulation: 50,000 · posted April 1, 2001
[ This newly-humbled reporter now admits that he may not been giving the current Administration enough credit. In an apparent effort to embrace the New Media that seemed to intimidate him so during the infamous campaign, the president has reached out to his critics in the online world and invited them to speak to him directly. In an opportunity that this writer can only describe as overwhelming, we were invited to the White House to meet with members of the administration. As remarkable as this seems, you cannot begin to imagine the panic that took over us when, shortly after presenting our credentials at the front gate, we were taken in to the West Wing and escorted down several hallways marked prominently with large, crayoned signs that read "Ovul Offis" and "my offis down here" before being brought before none other than the president of the United States himself. Below is the edited transcript of our brief but memorable conversation. ]
SEMI: Mr. president, this is a privilege...
BUSH: Thank you Paco, you got here just in time. This whole area here by the desk needs scrubbing, and the pillows on that couch look like they could use a good beating, but I'd like you to start in that little room where they deliver the pizzas ... I'm kinda afraid to go in there.
SEMI: I don't think I'm who you think I am.
BUSH: Aren't you Phillipe, the new cleaning boy?
SEMI: No, I'm Semi from SemiTrue.com, online crusader against all that is holy.
BUSH (grinning): I know who you are. I was just pulling your leg.
SEMI: Oh. Ha-ha.
BUSH: I read your column every week.
SEMI: No you don't.
BUSH: Yes I do.
SEMI: No you don't.
BUSH: Yes I do.
SEMI: You don't...
BUSH: I do...
[section deleted for length]
SEMI: Mr. president, opponents of the Clinton presidency spent eight years making a great deal of character issues and calling into question your predecessor's honesty and credibility. You've been in office barely 10 weeks, but you have already established an astonishing capacity for breaking campaign promises and advocating extremist social issues with a completely straight face even though the horrifying events that brought you to office leave you with nothing even remotely resembling a mandate.
BUSH: Yeah, you're right about that. I perjure myself so much I make O.J. look like a model of integrity.
SEMI: You campaigned as "a uniter, not a divider" and promised to govern in a bipartisan manner, yet your administration immediately set about deconstructing progressive regulations governing environmental controls, pregnancy planning, and workplace injuries.
BUSH: Yeah, I suckered you with that one.
SEMI: You portrayed yourself as a "Compassionate Conservative" with genuine concerns about the environment, and pledged that your administration would regulate carbon dioxide emissions from power plants, a key to curbing global warming. Your own EPA Administrator was on television touting your "multi-pollutant" strategy just days before you undercut her authority by announcing that you no longer supported those important caps.
BUSH: Yep, I left poor Christie dangling in the wind.
SEMI: You campaigned on "leave no child behind", yet your administration has proposed reductions in funding for child-care assistance for low-income families, for programs designed to investigate and combat child abuse, and slashes the early learning trust fund for children under 5.
BUSH: Hey, the money for the tax cut has to cut from somewhere!
SEMI: Thank you for bringing that up. You consistently refer to the "budget surplus" instead of pointing out that these disputed numbers are really just projected surpluses, and repeatedly claim that "the government took too much of your money, and we just want to give it back", as though the entire nation weren't still laboring under a burdensome national debt that is still eating up funds faster than any government program.
BUSH: Sure, but the electorate doesn't care about those things and even if they don't see any actual reduction in their taxes, we will have given them the impression that the government is taking less money.
SEMI: I may have misjudged you, Mr. president. As galling as I find your naked apathy to the struggles of working class people, I find your candor to be refreshing.
BUSH: Alexander Pope said:
"For forms of government let fools contest;
Whate’er is best administer’d is best.
For modes of faith let graceless zealots fight;
His can’t be wrong whose life is in the right."
Well, that's where I am. On the right!
SEMI: You are also surprisingly erudite and well-informed. How have you managed to hide this so well?
BUSH: You just caught me on a good day. Hugs?
SEMI: Ah, why not...?
[section deleted for good taste]
As usual, all definitions have been liberated from Dictionary.com. None of this week's words mean what you think they do:
hornswoggle \horn*swog"gle\, v.t. :to tap on your car horn gently in traffic
bamboozle \bam*boo"zle\, v. t.: to hit with a long wooden cane
chicanery \chi*can"er*y\, n. : the chic manufacturing section of Chicago, known mainly for the production of bamboozle sticks.
The home of my new found friend in The White House:
http://www.whitehouse.net
The Frumious Bandersnatch, my favorite source for news that you won't
see on FoxTV:
http://www.bandersnatch.com
Who Would Buy That?, the Nets best auction site:
http://www.whowouldbuythat.com/
"Writing, schmiting ... get a life!" --George Orwell
All Contents Copyright © 2001 S.M.
McCord
Redistribution allowed, provided you cite http://www.semitrue.com
Happy April First